Great Lies to Tell Small Kids
by Svendances
Summary: A bunch of shorts involving some small kids, some lies and a whole lot of fun.
1. Zippers and Communists

**All characters belong to Janet, except Peigi, she's my own curious creation. The lies are from "loads more lies to tell small kids" by Andy Riley**

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**GREAT LIES TO TELL SMALL KIDS**

_LIE #1_

"Daddy, what's anal retentive?" four year old Peigi asked as she sat on the floor colouring.

Without even stopping to think her father replied, "A personality characterized by meticulous neatness, suspicion and reserve; said to be formed in early childhood by fixation during the anal stage of development."

"Honey you're doing it again," called his wife from the kitchen where was making a blueberry pie. "She's too young to understand things like that, dumb it down a little."

He looked over the top of his newspaper, just now realising that he was talking to his four-year-old. "Sorry honey, I didn't realise. Why are you asking about that?"

"Mummy said that Uncle Paul is anal retentive."

He smiled glancing towards the kitchen to make sure she wasn't in hearing distance. "Anal retentive means that Uncle Paul has a zipper where his bum hole should be, but don't ever mention it to him, he's quite sensitive about it." The look on the little girls face was priceless, she was all wide eyed and slack jawed. "Go play with your dolls now." She did as she was told, but the expression was still on her face as she did so. Ranger chuckled to himself and went back to reading the paper.

000ooo000

_LIE #2_

They sat in a booth at Chucky Cheese celebrating an entire week without an injury. Peigi had been jockeying all evening to go in the ball pit. "Mummy, now can I go in the ball pit?"

Stephanie looked at her daughter, then looked at her daughter's plate. "Open your mouth." Peigi did as she was told revealing the empty space. "Alright."

"Watch out for ball pit sharks," warned Ranger as she skipped off.

Peigi turned around, her eyes wide with fear. She approached the pit with caution and got in carefully. All the other parents were watching her curiously as she wadded warily into the midst of all the other children. Suddenly she was screaming at the top of her lungs.

"DADDY HELP!! THE BALL-PIT SHARK'S GOT ME!!!!" The parents watching were laughing, unaware that she was not playing around, that she truly believed that the ball-pit shark had her by the leg.

Stephanie simply looked at her husband. "You did this," she accused. "Go on, go and save your daughter."

He grinned as jogged quickly over to the pit. Within seconds he had her in his arms soothing her with his gentle rubbing on her back. "It's okay, Pei, I've got you now, nothing can ever hurt you when I've got you."

000ooo000

_LIES #3 & 4_

"Take this off ramp," Ranger instructed looking up from the map on his lap. Stephanie did what he said and found herself in a town very much like the one she had left just a few short hours earlier.

"Whoa, getting a sense of de ja vu here. Where are you taking me?"

"I told you it's a secret."

"Daddy," came Peigi's voice from the backseat. "Is it hard for clouds to stay up there all the time?"

Ranger turned awkwardly in his seat trying not to put any pressure on his injured shoulder. "Of course it is honey. I mean, each year over 2500 clouds crash."

Peigi frowned a little. "Are they alright?" she asked.

"Mostly," he replied, "But sometimes they don't survive."

At this the little girl started to cry. Stephanie glared at Ranger; he could be so cruel. "Don't cry baby, the clouds go to heaven. You remember our talk about heaven don't you?"

She nodded her head before asking, "A lot of things and people go to heaven, isn't it full yet?"

He could not help himself; it had slipped out before he had time to think about what he was saying. "Heaven's not full, baby, but the car park is; since 1991 blessed souls have been driving around looking for a park."

The shock on her face was so apparent that Ranger started laughing. This earned him a punch in the ribs from his arm, coincidentally jarring his shoulder, satisfying her with inflicting more pain than intended.

000ooo000

_LIE #5_

"No Ranger, we are not getting him to babysit. Last time we let him anywhere near her she spent the weekend in the closet looking for Narnia."

"Well, I have to admit, even I was a little curious as to the validity of the movie. If it weren't for your glare I'd have climbed in to help her."

"Right, so next time I can't find you I should look in the closet first? Are you trying to tell me something?"

"Trust me, Babe, Narnia's definitely in there, we just have to keep looking."

The sound of small feet coming down the hall announced the arrival of Peigi. "Daddy! I think I've found it! I think I've found Narnia!!!" Ranger's eyes grew bright as he followed his daughter into the bedroom to see if she had in fact found Narnia.

000ooo000

_LIE #6_

Peigi bounded down the stairs dressed in head to toe green sucking on a green lollipop Stephanie had given her. She met her father in the entrance hall hugging his legs (the only part of him she could reach). Ranger had been away on business for a few days and had missed his little girl immensely, but the sight of her green clad body made him chuckle.

"Guess what day it is Daddy!"

Ranger pretended to think. "Dress like a booger day?" he hazarded.

She shook her head emphatically causing her curly, brown pigtails to swoop in front of her face. "No, it's Saint Patrick's Day. That means green. Where's your green?"

Looking down at his suit Ranger shrugged, not a skerrick of green anywhere on him. "I guess I forgot to put some on."

This didn't phase Peigi who pulled one of the green ribbons out of her hair and tie it around his wrist. "There you go! Now you have green on just like me and mummy!!"

Ranger chuckled a little. "What's for dinner?" he asked dropping his keys in the dish on the side table.

"Mummy's making a quiche."

"Did you know that every Irish family eats a whole roast Leprechaun on Saint Patrick's Day?" he asked chuckling a little as her eyes grew wide as they so often did. On these occasions she looked so much like her mother that it was frightening.

"We're not Irish are we Daddy?"

Still chuckling he shook his head. "No, baby, we're many nationalities, but Irish isn't one of them."

"What are we then?" she asked, the shock now replaced with curiosity.

"Well, Mummy is Hungarian and Italian, Daddy is Cuban, Mummy and Daddy are both American and you're all four."

000ooo000

_LIE #7_

Stephanie sat on the back porch watching in amusement as little Peigi frolicked in the backyard. She had mud streaked on her cheeks and twigs in her hair, but she had never looked more beautiful to Stephanie. She was currently in the middle of a game of hide and seek with her father, who, Stephanie knew, was hiding in the cubby house.

Peigi ran from tree to tree, looking around trunks and under bushes but could not find Ranger. "Daddy!" she called, "Daddy, where are you?" Ranger did not reply, but evidently moved within the small house as there was a loud crash. Running over to her outside home Peigi screamed, "I FOUND YOU!"

Slowly and awkwardly Ranger emerged, a huge grin on his face. It was obvious how much he loved his daughter.

Half an hour later Ranger had found Peigi, who was surprisingly good at hiding for her age. "You have to catch me first!" she yelled darting out from under the stairs and down to the very back of the yard. Ranger followed at a jog, dirt now clumped on his clothes and in his hair.

She stopped at the fence line with nowhere left to go. "Mummy, Daddy! Come look at this."

I made my way down to them and found them both looking at the pole that ran along the top of the fence, two snails were heading toward each other.

"What are they doing Daddy?" she asked. Stephanie had noticed that she always asked her father her most pressing and curious questions and the questions of how much longer and what's for dinner were left to her, but she didn't mind, Ranger's answers were always quite amusing.

"They're playing chicken, baby." (For those who don't know Chicken is a game that involves two people [or in this case snails running [sliming full pelt at each other and at the very last minute one, or both, turn to miss the other.)

Peigi giggled, "Can we watch?"

Ranger glanced at Stephanie out of the corner of his eye. "I don't know, it'll take two and a half hours." All three of them were laughing now and they stood there for the next two and a half hours watching the snails play chicken.

000ooo000

_LIE #8_

As Ranger wrapped his arms around his beautiful wife in the kitchen her heard an exclamation from the living room where his young daughter sat in front of the television. "What is she watching?" Ranger whispered in her ear.

"Tennis," Stephanie replied with a half smile. Peigi had insisted on watching the boring sport all week.

"I'll be right back so we can continue this discussion." Entering the living room, he sat himself down on the arm of a chair and watched the television for a few moments. "What are you watching, honey?"

"Tennis, the guy in the pink just lost his shot at winning."

Ranger chuckled. His little girl was so intuitive, only four years old and able to learn the rules of such a complicated game. "A little known rule of tennis says you can throw your own poo at the other player while they're serving," Ranger said matter-of-factly. "But it's frowned upon in today's society."

"Can play tennis, Daddy?" Peigi asked.

"Of course you can, button," replied Stephanie coming in to see what her other half was up to.

Ranger leaned forward and whispered in Peigi's ear, "You'd better keep the poo rule between you and me."

000ooo000

_LIE #9_

The rain was pouring outside, but inside was nice and cosy as Stephanie sat in the rocky chair by the fire doing sudoku (a number game where you have to fill in the numbers from one to nine in rows, columns and squares for those who live under a rock). Peigi sat on her lap watching the numbers she pencilled in; her gaze was constantly moving from her mother's face to the page in front of her and back.

"Mummy, what are you doing?" she asked after about an hour of staring in wonder.

"Sudoku," replied Stephanie.

"Why?" Peigi enquired.

"It's how I receive coded messages from my communist masters," Stephanie replied, unable to hold back as she seized her opportunity.

Peigi frowned for a moment, her little eyebrows drawing together, her lips pursed. At that moment Ranger arrived home with Tank in tow.

"Uncle Tank!" Peigi shouted, leaping from her mother's lap and launching herself into the large man's arms. "What's a communist?" she asked him.

Both Ranger and Tank looked from Peigi to Stephanie a question in their eyes. Tank set her down on the couch and sat down next to her to explain about communists. Ranger stood in the doorway shaking his head in silent laughter. "Babe."


	2. Of Cat Poo Money and Hippo Diets

_Thanks for all the enthusistic reviews! I'm glad i was able to brighten your lives! So here are some more lies... I'd like to bring up the point that i've never actually used any of this material on actual people... but that doesn't mean I won't... Anyway, enjoy and remember: If you recognise it I don't own it!_

**Great Lies to Tell Small Kids Volume Two**

**LIE #10**

Stephanie stood at the sink looking out the window at her four-year-old daughter scurrying around the back yard. The girl had been running around in the undergrowth for an hour picking things up and putting them in her little bucket. The dirty dishes lay forgotten under a layer of water and soap suds as Stephanie's hands dripped water back into the sink. It was a curious course of action little Peigi had taken, and it did not seem to bode well on her consciousness.

"Ranger!" Stephanie called. Her husband took a moment coming to her and when he arrived took a sweeping glance of the kitchen to see what the matter was. "Do you have any idea what she's doing?" asked Stephanie indicating the scene through the window.

Ranger came to rest beside her, his eyes finding the sprinting girl in the garden. He shrugged and remembered what Bobby had said when he had arrived at Ranger's home office. "Bobby said he'd sent her on a kind of treasure hunt," he supplied.

"What's she looking for?" Stephanie was a little alarmed, because the Merry Men were known for being exceptionally cruel, in a funny kind of way, their daughter. In a way the Merry Men were just like Stephanie's Uncles had been when she was young, encouraging her to jump off the garage roof. Again Ranger shrugged. "BOBBY BROWN GET YOUR ARSE DOWN HERE NOW!!"

Bobby arrived moments later a sheepish expression on his face. He knew he was in trouble. "I'm sorry, I just wanted to see if it would work, the guys put me up to it! Honestly, they were all saying I was too chicken to do it! They were bullying me!!!!"

Ranger as laughing at the ex military man fold under the gaze of his wife, but one look from the very same woman made him sober immediately. "What is she collecting?" Bobby mumbled something under his breath that neither of them caught. "What was that Brown? And if you plan on keep you job I suggest you don't prolong your answer."

Looking at the toe of his shoe as he scraped it along the tiles he said solemnly, with all the remorse of a six year old being caught dipping a girls hair in glue, "I told her that if she collected one hundred pieces of cat poo and took them to the post office they would exchange it for money."

This caused another roar of laughter from Ranger. He was taken so far over the edge of hilarity that he was doubled over. Bobby was smiling slightly with him. Stephanie, on the other hand glared at the both of them and went to the back door to call in her naïve little girl. "You'll be the one cleaning her up, you realise?" she called back to the men in the kitchen.

To her utter astonishment Bobby called back, "You know what Mrs Manoso, I think I hear my mum calling, I think I should get home!"

With that he was out the door in seconds leaving Ranger alone to his punishment.

000ooo000

**LIE #11**

"Earlier today there were a series of break ins in the upper Trenton area," said the news presenter, "While police are still investigating the incidents it seems there is nothing missing from any of the homes."

"Daddy, this is boring!" Peigi interrupted, "Do we have to watch it?"

"You don't have to watch it darling," her mother, "You can go play with your dolls if you like."

"But I don't want to play with my dolls, I want to watch tv!" Her little brow was furrowed, she was preparing her angry face, this was a trait she had definitely inherited from Stephanie, because, of course, Ranger did not show when he was angry.

"Well I'm sorry baby, we're watching the news." Meanwhile Ranger was totally engrossed in the story on the television oblivious to the argument in the makings right before him.

"By why do we have to the news?" Peigi whined.

"Because Mummy and Daddy have an obligation to watch it. We need to know what happened today."

Piegi rolled her eyes. Sometimes it was questionable as to how old she was, because clearly she had the attitude of a teenager. "I can tell you what happened today. We got up, we had breakfast, we went grocery shopping, we came home, we put the groceries away, we had lunch, we cleaned the lounge room, Daddy came home from work, we had dinner and now we're watching stupid news!"

"Honey, I know what happened to us today, I need to know what happened in the rest of the world."

It was at this moment that Ranger finally became aware of the argument. He laid a hand on Stephanie's thigh to calm her and addressed his daughter. "Now Peigi, when you change channels on the television, the news presenter you were just watching instantly dies. You don't want George McAnders to die do you?"

Peigi frowned for a moment before shaking her head and sitting down in front of her father to watch the news.

000ooo000

**LIE #12**

It had barely been a week since her birthday and Peigi had already made her parents tired of her present. Every spare moment she had all you heard was "Mummy, Daddy, play Hungry Hungry Hippos with me… Please play hippos with me!" and of course, in order to keep the small child quiet they gave in; day after day. Stephanie and Ranger were sick of it. They were beginning to regret buying the game for her.

Ranger had just arrived home from a particularly gruelling day of catching bad guys when Peigi came bounding from the lounge room and wrapped herself around his legs. "Daddy! Play Hippos with me!"

Ranger looked down at her bright little face and gave a sigh. "I'm sorry, Peigi, The Hungry Hungry Hippos have joined Weight Watchers, they've gone on a diet."

000ooo000

**LIE #13**

Ranger was shocked when he arrived home from work to find his daughter sitting on the stairs with her arm in a cast. She seemed to be looking at it with a mixture of fear and curiousity.

"What did you do?" he asked, sitting down next to her.

She lifted her arm a bit to show him and said, "I fell off the swing set."

Ranger shook his head. "I thought I made it clear that you shouldn't get off the swing while its still swinging!"

Peigi mimicked her father's head shake. "I wasn't swinging Daddy, I promise."

For a second they just sat there in silence, Ranger marvelling at how much could happen over a weekend if he was away. He'd left on Saturday morning and had returned just now, Sunday night. He was confused. If she hadn't been swinging, how had she broken her arm by falling off the swing set? Posing this question to his daughter he saw the fear in her eyes.

"I fell off the top," she said meekly.

"Stephanie!" he called, hoping his wife could shed some light on the situation. When she arrived at the top of the stairs and noticed him sitting there with Peigi she sighed. "How did this happen?"

Again Stephanie sighed. "She fell off the swing set."

Ranger stood as Stephanie came down to their level. "I heard that; she says she wasn't swinging, how did she fall off?"

His face was professionally blank which was never a good sign. "She climbed up on top while I wasn't looking and jumped off. She needs to work on her landings." She was trying to lighten the mood a bit, but it apparently wasn't working, as was evident when Ranger spoke next.

"Damnit Steph! I've told you! She needs to be watched every minute of the day! She's got no chance in not being curious! I've told you all about my shenanigans when I was younger, and with your history…" He trailed off, remembering that the child was still in his presence.

"I just took my eyes off her for a moment to get the basket from the laundry and when I came back she was hurtling towards the ground!"

Peigi did not at all like seeing her parents this way, she had never seen her father this angry and her mother actually looked scared. Mummy was never scared, she thought. She took advantage of the momentary lapse in conversation to tentatively ask the question that had been burning inside her since that morning. "Why can't anyone sign my cast?"

Ranger looked down at his daughter, looking smaller than usual sitting there on the step. His eyes softened a little as he crouched down to reply. "If anyone signs that cast," he began menacingly, "the ink will go through and tattoo your arm. Understand?"

She nodded, her mouth agape, from that moment she knew that she would never try anything like she had yesterday ever again.


	3. Naughty Mat

_Okay, I decided to throw in a few of my own concoctions in this one. As always thanks for the awesome reviews and hope their more to ccome!_

_**Getting Acquainted with the Naughty Mat**_

_LIE #14_

Piegi was sitting on the naughty mat, thinking hard about what she had done, or maybe it would be more accurate to say that she was trying to figure out what she had done to make her mother so angry. All she could think was that she had spouted off a word Uncle Tank had said and then all of a sudden she was being thrust onto the dread itchy mat. Her mother was now ignoring her and her father was in his office probably unaware, as of yet, of what had happened.

When the doorbell rang Stephanie yelled that it was open and in came Uncle Bobby. He smiled down at Peigi and received only a grimace in return, prompting him to ask what was wrong. Being on the naughty mat Peigi knew that she wasn't allowed to talk so she pointed to the sign above her head. "NAUGHTY MAT" it said in Ranger's even hand. Bobby nodded and leaned in close so that only she could hear him. "_What did you do?"_ he whispered.

Peigi glanced quickly around to make sure Stephanie was anywhere near, "I said a word that Uncle Tank used and Mummy sent me here."

"Aww, that's too bad, maybe she should have sent Uncle Tank to the Naughy Mat with you," he suggested. Looking around again he leaned still closer. "I have a surefire way to get Mummy happy with you again." Peigi's eyes brightened at the prospect, she hated when Mummy was mad at her. "Put all the dirty dishes in Mummy's car, drive it to the car wash, open all the windows and the sun roof before you go through and when you get home you'll have cleaned the dishes, the car AND yourself, she'll be so happy!"

Peigi looked at him cynically. "I'm too little, Uncle Bobby, you should know that. Think of a better plan!"

Bobby just shrugged, straightening up. "Suit yourself," he said.

000ooo000

LIE # 15 

Ranger stormed into the house, fuming. Fire was practically coming out of his ears as he marched right on up to his daughter's bedroom. She was lying on the floor looking at a picture book.

"Stand up!" he commanded as if she were one of his men. With fear in her eyes Peigi did what she was told. Once she was standing at attention he began to pace in front of her. "Why did you do it?" he demanded.

Little, five-year-old Peigi shrugged her shoulders and followed her father's movements with her eyes, knowing that to move her head was suicide. "Do what, Daddy?"

He stopped right in front of her and glared into her eyes. "You painted my car."

Peigie shook her head slightly, never losing eye contact with her father's identical glare. "I didn't paint you car, Daddy, I painted you name on it."

His eyes narrowed, she had a point, the kid was too smart. "Why did you do it?" he repeated.

"Mummy told me to," Peigi stated without hesitation, "She said it would be easier for you to find in the parking lot if I wrote you name on it."

Straightening up Ranger pointed in the general direction of downstairs and said, "Naughty Mat, five minutes."

Peigi ran down the stairs and sat down obediently on the horrid naughty mat to wait out her sentence. Ranger followed her down but turned into the kitchen. From her vantage point Peigi could hear her mother laughing. "It only the Crayola paints, Ranger, it's water soluble!"

"I don't care, Stephanie, she needs to know not to do things like that!"

The laughter was fading from Stephanies voice with her next statement, "Alright, but you shouldn't be too hard on her, she's just a kid."

"Babe, you have to remember that if I had ever pulled anything like this on my dad, even at her age, I'd have been hung from the basement ceiling by my ankles for an hour with a basket of dirty socks under my nose!"

"I'm not saying she shouldn't be punished, I'm just saying that it's my fault, so go easy on her."

"May be I should punish you," Ranger said a little quieter.

000ooo000

LIE #16 

The Naughty Mat was proving not be as effective as it once had been, Peigi was spending more and more time sitting silently on the scratchy mat in the hall, so today, after being caught throwing stones at pigeons Ranger sat her down on The Mat and explained a few new rules.

"Right," he began, "This has to stop, you won't be sitting on the scratchy mat today, no, you'll be standing upside down on the Naughty Mat." Seeing the fear in her eyes, he grinned. "That's right, you'll be spending the full six minutes in a handstand. And if your feet touch the mat, or the floor around ita blade will come out of the wall," he pointed to the wall on the opposite side of the hall, "and cut off you feet at the ankles."

Tears were running down her cheeks as she prepared to turn herself upside down.

Three minutes later Ranger returned to find his little girl gasping for her breath she was in such a state. The tears were still running down her face as he crouched in front of her. "Do you have anything to say to me?" he asked gently.

Peigi's response came in short bursts, "I'm- sorry-Daddy!" He chest was heaving and her little arms were trembling with the struggle to stay upright.

Ranger took pity on the child and picked her up, flipping her upright in one smooth motion. Cuddling her to his shoulder he assured her, "It's okay, Piggy, it's okay. I've turned off the blades. Do you promise to be a good girl?"

Peigi nodded emphatically and snuggled deeper into her father's shoulder, wiping her eyes on his black t-shirt.

000ooo000

LIE #17 

It had been a rather stressful week at Rangeman and Ranger was looking forward to going home and just doing nothing. As he crossed the lawn he saw the stray mut squatting over his rose bush. He had had it this was the fifth time that month he had caught the dog in the act. He ran up behind the dog and kicked it hard in the side. As Ranger made his way to the front door, the dog galloped down the street, it's tail between its legs. As he opened then front door he saw both his girls in the hall, hands on hips and angry faces in place. Their expressions were identical and scared the living daylights out of him

"O-Oh," he uttered placing his keys in the dish by the door.

"Damn right, o-oh," Stephanie said. "You punish Piggy for being cruel to animals and now we find you kicking a dog! Double standards much?"

"Look, that's the fifth time-," Ranger began but she cut right across him.

"It's doesn't matter, you made Peigi stand on her hands on the Naughty Mat for half her age in minutes for throwing stones at birds, it's only fitting that you get the same punishment for kicking the dog." She pointed to the Mat on the floor. "Go on, Ranger, twenty minutes on your hands."

Hanging his head in shame, Ranger did as he was told. Once he was in position Peigi started the digital timer on the opposite wall and crouched down in front of his face. "I've had Mummy start the blades, if your feet touch the floor they'll be chopped off," she said, a smug grin on her little face.

Ranger could only shake his head in disbelief. She actually inspired fear in him.

000ooo000

_It occurred to me that the contents of this story may offend some people. If this is so i am dreadfully sorry._


	4. Wind Farms and Government Signs

_Now I must stress that the contents of the previous chapter is PURELY FICTIONAL! as is the content of this one. So reviewers, it great to hear from you, but if I hear one more complaint about child abuse I'll stop writing all together, and i can tell you, a fair few people will not be impressed. So please enjoy the latest edition of Great Lies to Tell Small Kids!_

**LIE #18**

It was the first day of the summer holidays and Peigi and her father were sitting on the front porch liking home made icey poles. A brightly coloured truck drove past playing a "Green sleeves" it stopped at the end of the street when Rachel from down the road and her mother stepped up to the curb. Peigi was watching intently as she saw them hand over some money and get something in return. She turned to Ranger, a question in her eyes. "Daddy, what's that truck?"

Removing the icey pole from his mouth he looked to to where she was pointing before replying, "That's the manure truck, it plays music for kids and brings healthy manure for the gardens."

Peigi thought carefully about this for a moment. "Do we need any manure?"

Ranger shook his head. "I've already taken care of our gardens."

"Okay," she agreed and went back to sucking her icey pole.

000ooo000

**LIE #19**

Peigi's hair was flying all over the place as she ran through the park with the kite. Her laughter could be heard from ages away; she was having a grand old time. Finally she received the signal from her mother to let go of the kite and ran back to where she was standing. Stephanie handed her daughter the string to take control.

"How does it stay up there?" Peigi asked in wonder moving the string this way and that as if to try and pull it down from the sky.

Stephanie thought for a moment, trying to think of how to phrase it properly. "The wind catches the fabric and lifts it up, like what we saw with the plastic bags in the grocery store parking lot, remember?"

Peigi laughed at the memory and then furrowed her brow as another question formed in her mind. "Mummy, where does wind come from?"

Again Stephanie took a few moments to think while rubbing her bulging belly. Eventually an explanation came to her. "All wind is made on wind farms."

Peigi nodded, seeing her explanation as perfectly satisfactory.

000ooo000

**LIE # 20**

Today, it had been decided, was a Red Day in the Manoso household. This did not mean that everything had to be red, however, a Red Day was when they were allowed to eat foods classified as red, meaning that they were a sometimes food. It was kind of like the traffic light system, Green was go, as in eat it often, and amber was slow down, or, eat occasionally.

So today was a red day and Peigi was taking full advantage of it. She had a bowl of frootloops for breakfast and hot chips for lunch followed down by a red creaming soda soft drink and half a packet of lollies. By three o'clock in the afternoon she was jumping around with enough energy to fly to the moon. She had already woken her baby brother, Emmet at least a dozen times as she banged on the floor boards. Having had just about enough of it Ranger took her out into the front yard and stood her in front of a tree.

"Did you know," he began, "that if you stand still long enough the government will put up signs pointing to you?" She shook her head, still jumping slightly. "Do you want a sign with you're name on it?" This time she nodded so emphatically that Ranger was afraid her head would fly off her neck. "Well, what you need to do is stand here very still until someone puts up a sign pointing to you. Can you do that?" Again she nodded her head. "Alright, you better get to it."

And so Peigi stood as still as a statue until her mother came out just before dinner and stuck a sign into the ground a few feet away from her. "The government just called," she explained, "And told me to put a sign in the front yard pointing to some girl named Peigi."

Peigi began to jump up and down and ran into the house to find her father. "Daddy!!!" she called, "Daddy I did it!!! They put up a sign!!!"


	5. From Babies to Gingerbread Zombies

_I think it is safe to say that I don't have much to do with my time at the moment, so here's another update. I still don't own much though... only Peigi and Emmet and the scenario, although there is an idea stolen... I mean,_ borrowed _from The Adams FAmily Values. See here it is, enjoy!!_

**LIE #21 (Three part lying; it's an art form)**

Peigi was examining her little brother curiously while Stephanie hung the washing on the line. He was asleep in his rocker and seemed to be drooling. After a moment or two Peigi skipped over to her mother and took hold of her skirt to get her attention.

"What is it Piggy?" Stephanie asked looking down at the top of her pig tailed head. Peigi was still looking at the baby a few feet away, curiosity furrowing her brow.

"Where do babies come from?" Peigi asked pointing to Emmet, just in case her mother wasn't sure what she was asking.

Stephanie rolled her eyes, she'd known this question was coming for a while, and she had dreaded it every moment. Taking a deep breath she crouched down so she was on Peigi's level. "Mummy and Daddy had a special hug. Then Daddy kissed Mummy. The angel told the stork who flew down from heaven and put a diamond in the cabbage patch and the diamond turned into a baby."

Peigi took a second to think about the information she had just been given and shook her head. "If the baby comes from the cabbage patch, then why did your tummy get big?"

_Damn, _thought Steph, _caught out by a six year old._ After a minute Stephanie had thought of an adequate answer. "Okay, so the diamond was inside one of the cabbages and Mummy ate the cabbage and the diamond turned into a baby inside me."

Her eyes were wide and her little voice had raised about an octave as she asked the next question. "How did they get him out?!"

Sighing Stephanie took another moment to think. This kid was so on the ball. "They had to operate," Steph said hoping that would satisfy her.

At this Peigi instinctively looked at the scar on her arm from when she had broken her it. "Did it hurt?"

Stephanie shook her head because of the insanity that was her life, but Peigi took it to be the answer to her question.

000ooo000

**LIE #22**

When Peigi got to the car after school Stephanie asked her, as she had every day, what she had learned today. Peigi smiled at her mother and replied, "I learned that the President of the United States of America is George W. Bush." Stephanie smiled at this as Ranger pulled from the curb. "How do they decide who's President?" Peigi asked after a moment.

Ranger placed a hand on Steph's shoulder, letting her know that he would handle this question. Clearing his throat he replied, "Everyone has to take a turn as the President, sweetie, your turn is in 2028."

Stephanie's shoulders were shaking in silent laughter, the poor kid didn't know any better. Once she had calmed down enough she added, "You'd better start researching Fiscal Policy or you'll be in big trouble."

Ranger looked at her and shook his head, but to both of their amazements when they got home she went to the bookcase in Ranger's office looking for the political encyclopaedia she knew he had there. It was cute to watch her lying on the floor with the big book in front of her, reading intently, but Stephanie wondered whether she might just fulfil the prediction afterall.

000ooo000

**LIE #23**

The little girl lay on her side with her knees pulled up, groaning slightly when her mother entered the room. Concerned, she rushed to the girls side and asked her what was wrong.

"My tummy hurts," said the little girl by the name of Peigi.

Stephanie, took her temperature before promising to get a digestive to ease the pain. The little girl looked up at her and told her that Rachel down the street gets chocolate digestives. Stephanie shook her head. "Chocolate digestives are twenty thousand times more likely to be struck by lightning than normal digestives," she told the little girl, whose eyes widened. "But go ahead, have whichever you want."

"I'll have a normal digestive," Peigi replied with a little groan.

000ooo000

_LIE #24 _

They sat in the lounge room watching a scary movie. Peigi had been allowed to stay up on the condition that she is ready for bed with all her homework done. She was now positioned on the couch in between her mother and father with a blanket over her lap and a teddy bear clutched in her grips.

The movie was called "Sweet Death" and featured 'Zombie Gingerbread' and 'Killer Cracker Candy'. Later as Ranger was tucking his little girl in she asked him, "Why do the gingerbread men become zombies?"

Ranger chuckled. "When there's no room left in gingerbread hell they walk the earth. Since their already dead, they have lost the function of their brain, therefore being deemed zombies."

"Is there anyway to stop the Gingerbread Zombies?" she asked, a terrified look on her face.

"Sure, Piggy, remove the head, or eat the currants. Don't worry though, no Gingerbread Zombies would dare come anywhere near Trenton with me here. I'll protect you."


	6. Teeth, Tweenies and Crazies

_As always thanks for the enthusiasm! Hope you like this chapter just as much. Don't own nothin'._

**LIES #25&26**

"Daddy, my tooth is wiggly!" Peigi exclaimed as her father entered the door, fresh from mowing the lawn. She showed him the tooth and wiggled it a little to demonstrate.

"Hey, that's way more wiggly than yesterday, it must be about ready to come out.

Peigi just frowned at her father before covering her mouth and shouting, "NO DADDY! I TOLD YOU ALREADY YOU'RE NOT PULLING MY TOOTH OUT!" With a quick glance to the stairs as she remembered Baby Emmet up there having a nap she lowered her voice to a whisper and said, "No, Daddy," before stalking off toward the kitchen where Stephanie was fixing lunch.

As Ranger followed his daughter he found Joseph Morelli leaning against the counter, beer in hand. They nodded to eachother in greeting as Peigi ran to hug him. "Hey Squirt, how's that tooth?"

She shot a glare almost identical to her mother's at her father before replying, "Daddy wants to pull it out!"

The sandwiches were on the table and Stephanie brought over a pitcher of freshly squeezed juice. They sat down, Peigi insisting that she sit next to both Uncle Joe and Daddy. Half way through lunch Joe turned to Peigi.

"Wanna know a cool trick?" he asked her, emptying his glass. She nodded enthusiastically. "If you drop a tooth into a glass of Coke after a day it turns into a white butterfly."

Peigi laughed at him. "Silly Jo-Jo! Butterflies don't come from teeth, they come from caterpillars! And I'm not allowed fizzy drinks so I wouldn't be able to try it anyway."

Stephanie chuckled a little at Joe, caught in his lie by a seven year old. "Besides Joe, the Tooth Fairy comes to collect your lost teeth in exchange for money, you should know that!"

Suddenly Peigi's eyes brightened. "Tooth Fairy?" she asked excitedly, jumping a little in her chair. She had not yet been told of the Tooth Fairy and the prospect of getting money reeled her in straight away. "Daddy, pull my tooth out!"

000ooo000

**LIES #27& 28**

Ranger was just finishing up some paperwork at his desk when Peigi ran into his office. She had been visisting with the Merry Men in the control room since early afternoon and it was hard to tell who had been more excited, her or his employees.

Naturally, Tank, Bobby and Lester had pawned their duties off onto the lower ranks in order to spend time with the Munchkin. They had played a roaring game of hide and seek which had all three of the highly trained men searching for nearly an hour in order to find the little girl. Ranger had shaken his head when Lester stepped into his office announcing that they couldn't find the kid anywhere.

"Well if you really give up you need to yell 'Ollie Ollie Oxenfree,' it lets her know that you're not going to look for her any more," Ranger had told him with a little half smile.

"Boss, we practically gave her free range of the building,she could be anywhere!"

Rangere had shrugged. "Use the loudspeaker then, but you realise that if you don't find her I'm putting you all back through basic training."

So the men didn't dare give up and now two hours later Peigi had run into his office and climbed up on his lap. There were tears streaming down her face as she snuggled into her father's shoulder.

"What's up Piggy?" he asked, curling a strand of her straight brown hair around his finger as he hugged her tight. The only reply he received was a mixture of babbling, sniffs and hiccoughs. Somewhere in the middle of it all he managed to decipher the words 'shoot out' and decided to call Tank in to shed some light on matters.

"She was talking about something called the 'Tweenies'; something about the last episode? And Bobby said something to her about it, I didn't really catch it, I was checking on Cal at the monitors."

By this time, Peigi's tears had dissolved somewhat so that all that was left were the stains on her cheeks and the wet patch on Ranger's shirt. "she mentioned something about a shoot out," Ranger said, still rubbing the little girl's back soothingly.

"He said the last episode of the Tweenies ends in a big shoot out then they roll the credits silently over black," Peigi sniffed. "Daddy, the Tweenies don't die do they?"

Ranger shot Tank a look that said, "Kill Bobby," before assuring his daughter that none of the Tweenies die. "They're invincible, like me"

000ooo000

**LIE #29**

The last Lego brick made it into the container by the hand of Stephanie as she cleared the floor in the lounge room so that she could put Baby Emmet down to roam. Peigi sat on the couch holding her brother impatiently.

"Mummy, I'm bored!" she explained as Emmet was lifted from her clutches.

"Why don't you colour in?" Stephanie suggested, quite sick of having this conversation with the child. Just three more days, she kept telling herself, and then she'll be back at school. "Or you could go outside and play with you bike."

"I don't want to do that!" she whined, crossing her arms over her chest. "I did that yesterday!"

Stephanie let out a sigh and shook her head. "Go annoy your father then," she told her. Ranger had been working from home all week and had only come out of his office for meals. Stephanie decided that is was mandatory break time for him.

Peigi skipped from the room, thankful for the permission to go see her father. She knocked on the door frame and waited for him to finish his phone call. As he replaced the receiver in the cradle she told him her dilemma. "I'm bored Daddy."

Ranger shook his head and pulled a shoe box from under his desk, he had been working on this suggestion all week, and figured now was as good a time as any to use it. Handing the box to his daughter he began his explanation. "Lego bricks are very communal creatures."

"What's communal?" Peigi interrupted.

"They like to be in groups. They live only to join up with other Lego bricks." She nodded her understanding and he continued, "If you put a Lego brick alone in this box you can watch it slowly go crazy."

Eager to see what a crazy Leog brick looked like she ran from the room to isolate a brick in her new shoe box.

000ooo000

**LIE #30**

Ranger and Stephanie sat on the couch, Emmet was taking a nap and Peigi was in her room quietly reading her book. Stephanie cuddled up into Ranger's arms and leaned up to kiss him. After a moment of pure bliss Ranger took control deepening the kiss and pulling Steph onto his lap for better access. Running a hand around his neck she pulled the leather thong from his hair she opened her mouth to allow his tongue to enter. Ranger slid his own hand up under her shirt to cup her breast and she moaned.

Suddenly Ranger stiffened (his body, not his manliness) and retracted his hand, tongue and mouth from his wife. Peigi had wandered down from her room and was standing in the doorway. When Ranger looked at her she explained that her book got boring and she wanted to go outside and play. Ranger shook his head and picked up a paper and pen from the coffee table. Holding out to her he said, "If you write all the numbers from one to infinity, I'll give you infinity dollars."

Her little eyes brightened and she skipped off to her room again to see about getting that money.

"Now where were we?" Ranger asked Stephanie, placing light kisses on her neck.


	7. Tom, Jerry, Santa and Harry

**LIE #31**

Ranger walked into the lounge room to find his daughter lying on the floor with her face extremely close to the wall fiddling with something. As he crept up behind her he saw that she had a drawing compass and pencil in her hand and was attempting to draw a semicircle on the skirting board. After a moment she picked up a knife and put the point to the line she had just drawn.

Leaning down close to her Ranger whispered, "What are you doing?"

Peigi jumped so high she almost stabbed herself with the knife. "Uncle Bobby told me to do it!!" she exclaimed. "He said there was a fine if we didn't have a semi circular hole in the skirting board!"

"Is that so?" Ranger asked, removing the knife from his daughter's hand. "And why is that?"

"He said that under the Tom and Jerry Law of … 1938… every house must be… be fitted with… a semi circular hole in the skirting board."

Ranger shook his head. Bobby was gonna be in for one hell of a hard time for a while. He was going to be pulling all the all nighters that were needed and he'd be stuck on monitors for months on end.

"I think we'll just have to pay the fine, Piggy, I'm sure we can afford it."

000ooo000

**LIE #32**

"DADDY!" Peigi exclaimed at her sleeping father, "WE HAVE TO PUT THE MILK AND COOKIES OUT FOR SANTA!!"

Ranger awoke with a start, spilling his beer in the process. He hadn't even realised he had fallen asleep, as most people don't. "Aww, Piggy, didn't I tell you?"

"Tell me what?" Peigi asked jumping up and down in anticipation.

"Father Christmas uses Amazon for the whole deliverin' presents thing now-a-days."

Peigi frowned. "What about the reindeer?"

Ranger shrugged half-heartedly. "He don't need them no more, must have let them go."

Putting her hands on her hips she glared at her father. He picked her up and placed her on his lap. "What are you drinking?" Peigi asked, sniffing his bottle.

"It's beer, it makes Daddy sleepy, why don't you go off to bed?"

The little girl shook her head. "I'm waiting for Santa."

"Baby, I told you, he's not coming, he uses will come! He will!"

000ooo000

**LIE #33**

The family sat on the picnic rug, soaking up the pleasant afternoon sun. Emmet was dozing against his father's knee and Peigi was dropping crumbs for ants to pick up. Stephanie was sitting watching her daughter with amusement as she started counting the ants as they went past.

"… 33, 34, 35, 36, 37…"

Ranger, who also happened to be watching piped up, "Every ant you see has to be named." This received a grin from his wife and a curious look from Peigi.

"Are ants boys or girls?" she asked.

"The ones that we see are boys, now quickly, you have to name them all."

"Harold, Harry, Ron, Gerald, Seamus, Albus, Draco… Daddy, they're going to fast! Tell them to slow down."

"Sorry, Piggy, I have no authority over ants, only the Queen Ant does."

Peigi crossed her arms over her chest and continued as best she could, a frown on her face. "… Severus, Jeremy, Neville…"

Stephanie leaned over to her husband and enquired, "Has she been watching Harry Potter again?" All Ranger did was nodded.

"…Crabbe, Goyle, Fred, George…"

000ooo000

**LIE #34**

Peigi sat in the lounge room watching "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" with her Uncles (Tank, Lest, Bobby, Paul and Joe). It was amazing how the little girl could make them all sit and watch it without complaint, but Stephanie had grown tired of Potter. Coming into the room she exclaimed, "I just heard on the six o'clock news; Harry Potter's been burned at the stake!"

Peigi and the men in the room all burst into tears. Stephanie hadn't intended it to go quite like this; certainly she hadn't expected the guys to react this way. After a few moments they all stopped crying and the room was filled with sniffs.

"Ya know what," Lester said, "We should have a Potter Marathon to celebrate his life! And pulled out all the other Potter movies that they had not yet watched that day." Winking at Steph, he continued, "I'll go get the popcorn."


	8. Don't Pee Don't Sleep!

_TA DA!!! Here we go, yet another installment of Great Lies. Todays sponsers and contributors are ANdy Riley's "Loads More Lies to Tell Small Kids," Janet Evanovich's "Stephanie Plum" series and my brain... yes that's right folks, I have a brain! Enjoy your meal!_

**LIE #35**

Little Emmet was jiggling in his booster seat as if her were about to burst, which, evidently, he might have, as he was in dire need of a toilet.

"Mummy!! Can't we please just stop so I can pee?" came his anguished cry from the back of the car as they drove.

Steph sighed and looked out the window. "Em, we're in the middle of no where, there's not even a service station anywhere in sight."

"He's a boy, Steph, he could always just whip it out behind a tree." Ranger glanced at her from behind his sun glasses to find her expression nonplussed.

"I could pee behind a tree Mummy, can't I pee behind a tree?" Emmet was getting desperate, because in all honesty, when a four year old needs to go, he needs to go!

Ten year old Peigi, sitting in the seat next to him leaned over. Being the daughter of Stephanie and Ranger both, her words were discouraging towards peeing in the wilderness and amusing, with a touch of mean. "When you go to the toilet in the middle of the desert," she began, pointing to the desert outside. "A tiny rhinoceros gallops up your stream of wee and jabs its horns inside you willy."

The look she received for this comment was one of abject horror. He clutched his hand over his private area and when Ranger pulled the car over so he could pee he shook his head vehemently.

"Sweetie, you said you needed to go to the toilet," Stephanie said, turning around in her seat. "We've stopped so you can."

"I don't need to go any more," he exclaimed, his voice somewhat higher than usual.

000ooo000

**LIE #36**

Peigi, Emmet and Ranger sat in the living room watching the coverage of a hurricane in the northern area of Australia. The camera panned over the mass of wreckage.

"Whoa!" the two children uttered in unison.

Peigi, being the older of the two, thought of a question that needed answering. "Daddy, why do they name the Hurricanes?"

Ranger took a moment to think about this before answering. "If a hurricane is named after you, you're responsible for pay for all the damage it causes." Both children's eyes widened in terror. Ranger laughed. "Don't worry, they only name hurricanes after bad people, you're not bad people are you?"

They shook their heads fervently. "No, Daddy," they said.

000ooo000

**LIE #37**

Stephanie sat on the couch watching her children play with Emmet's toy cars. It was their latest obsession after watching the movie "Cars". It was refreshing to see them getting along so well and so Stephanie simply revelled in the experience. Suddenly the peace was broken by the sound of a crash. Stephanie jumped to her feet looking around for the source of the noise. At the giggles from her children, however, her attention was drawn to the floor where they were both holding cars upside down. Peigi gave a toothy grin and Emmet smiled along with her as Stephanie sat back down.

After a few moments Emmet brought one of the toys over to his mother. "What type of car is this?" he asked, thrusting the small vehicle into her hand.

Stephanie, having no clue decided to go down that road. "I'm not sure, honey, when I was your age cars had anchors and top masts." Emmets brow furrowed in thought, but he didn't question it, choosing instead to go back to his sister and continue playing.

000ooo000

**LIE #38**

Entering the control room with her brother and mother in tow she ran energetically to Tank who sat at his desk hunched over his computer. She tapped his shoulder to get his attention and he turned with a huge smile on his face, thankful for the distraction from his boring paperwork. Revelling in the little girls giggles he picked her up and sat her on the desk.

"Hey there little Piggy!"

"Hi, Uncle Tank."

He pulled a lollipop out of his top draw and handed it to her. She tooka quick glance out the door of his office to make sure that her mother wouldn't see before unwrapping the lollipop and sticking in her mouth, a huge grin on her face.

"How was school?" Tank asked.

After a moment of thought Peigi replied, "We're learning about all the planets in the solar system! There's nine you know? And they all circle around the sun without hitting each other! Isn't that neat-o?" As Tank nodded a thought occurred to the little girl. "Uncle Tank, how do they know where the other planets are?"

Tanks smile widened. "Each planet has a steering wheel, like that of a car. Earth's is located at the North Pole."

"With Santa?" Peigi interrupted.

"I'm pretty sure," Tank agreed. "So, the Earth's steering wheel is manned by the 'Earth Driver'. He steers us on one circuit of the sun every 365 and a quarter days, making sure he doesn't hit any of the other planets. It's a big responsibility you know? If he turns a fraction too much to the left, the sun's gravity pulls us in and we die by fire. A fraction too much to the right and we spin off into the void of space and freeze to death. He must never fall asleep."

This caused Peigi to gasp. "How does he stay awake?" she asked.

"Polar explorers bring him flasks of coffee."


	9. The inner workings and reasons

_Yet another installment of Lies, there's still more to come, don't worry, I've been doing my research. I'd love to hear of some of the lies you were told when you were young._

**LIE #39**

"YAY BOWLING!" cried Peigi and Emmet running up the path toward the large bowling pin dancing about in front of the door. They had been looking forward to this all week.

As they waited in line at the counter Stephanie had to physically grab both their arms to keep them from running off. Once they had paid she led them over to the rack filled with different weighted bowling balls. "Pick one you can pick up," she told them, knowing they would otherwise have chosen on the basis of colour. When each one of them had chosen a ball they moved to a lane and began to bowl, Ranger giving his children instructions as to how to hold the ball.

"… but be careful, he warned as he finished up his tutorial, bowling balls have retractable eyes and you don't want to poke one."

"Why not?" Emmet asked.

In answer Peigi poked him in the eye. "'Cause it hurts, see?"

"Alright, Peigi, that's enough, you'll be bowling last," Stephanie stepped in to bring the situation to a halt.

000ooo000

**LIES #40&41**

Stephanie was busy wiping the chocolate from her son's face as her husband and daughter took care of the luggage. It was to be their first family plane trip and she had made the decision that morning that it wasn't going to happen again any time soon, especially with all the preparation she had to go through.

"Put your suit case on the carousel little Piggy," she heard Ranger say to Piegi.

She did as she was told , struggling a bit under it's weight. As the cases moved out of sight she turned with a curious look in her eye to her father. "Daddy, why do we have to put our stuff on the carousel? Why can't we just take it with us on the plane?"

Ranger thought for a moment. "There's not enough room on the plane for everyone to take their luggage on with them. So we have to put it on the carousel."

Peigi, who was on the ball, even though she had been up since very early in the morning, asked, "If we put it on the carousel, how does it get to Italy?"

"It goes the entire way by carousel. And when we get to Italy it will come out on a carousel for us to pick up, just you wait."

Peigi nodded, seemingly satisfied with her answer, and they went to join the rest of their family and wait for their flight to be announced. They called first class first and a bunch of men in suits carrying suitcases filed past them toward the gate then their seat numbers were called.

"Why are all the suit men up the front of the plane Mum?" Emmet asked as she strapped him into his seat.

A flight attendant that was passing stopped to answer his question. "They're in First Class," she explained to the small boy.

"Why is it at the front of the plane?" he asked.

"Well," she began, choosing her words carefully. "First class is always at the front of the plane."

"Why?" chimed in Peigi in the next seat.

The lady looked at Steph and Ranger each in turn and they shrugged. "Because Businessmen need to get to places one second sooner that everyone else; that's how precious their time is."

Ranger and Steph were laughing silently as Emmet and Peigi screwed up their noses at the thought of having such a strict schedule. As the flight attendant moved off Ranger asked her, "You have children of your own don't you?" The lady simply grinned and nodded before checking the luggage compartment of the next row back

000ooo000

**LIE #42&43**

Emmet stood at the refrigerator opening and closing the door with a puzzled look on his face. Peigi was sitting in a kitchen chair near by watching her brother as he investigated the piece of information they had been given: 'There's a little man in the fridge that turns the light on when you open the door'.

"How does he know when I'm about to open the door?" Emmet asked Peigi.

Peigi shrugged, "Dunno, but by now it would be a bit obvious, you've been opening and closing the door for twenty minutes."

"Maybe he has security like what Dad uses," Emmet suggested.

"We'll go ask," Peigi suggested and she took Emmet's hand and led him to their father's office. "Daddy," she knocked on the door. "How does the little man in the fridge know when we're about to open the door?"

Ranger looked up from the sheaf of paper he had been pouring over and smiled. He motioned for his children to come in and lifted each one of them onto his lap, thankful for the distraction. "When your hand gets really close to the refrigerator handle a little alarm sounds inside the refrigerator telling the little man to turn the light on. If you listen really carefully you can hear it."

At this the two children jumped of their father's lap and ran back down to the kitchen to listen for the alarm.

000ooo000

**LIE #44**

Emmet's nose was running as he sat at the kitchen table early one morning watching his sister get ready for school. He laid his head on the table as his father entered the room, fresh from his shower. Clipping his son under the chin he stated, "Your brain is leaking again, Em."

Emmet sat up suddenly in shock. "What do you mean my brain is leaking?" demanded the five year old.

"Your nose, your brain is leaking out your nose."

The little boy put a finger to the snot that had oozed out and looked at it in horror. He then sniffed the snot back up. "Never using a tissue again," he muttered under his breath as bowl of Rice Bubbles was placed in front of him


	10. Lying Lies

_WOW!! I didn't realise how many lies there actually are! Don't worry, there's still heaps more to come. I still have my entire Nature File to go through. ENJOY!_

**LIES #45&46**

Stephanie sat at Ranger's computer searching for some information. Peigi skipped into the room and leaned on the desk next to her. "What are you doing?" she asked looking from the computer screen to her mother and back.

"Doing some research," came the reply as Stephanie typed in the key words into Google.

"What are you researching?" she asked curiously.

"It's complicated."

"Why are you using Google?"

"Because it's a search engine I know how to use."

"What happens if you search for Google on Google?"

Taking her eyes off the computer screen for the first time she took a good long look at her daughter, who had her chin propped in her hands and her elbows on the desk. "If you type 'Google' into Google, the resultant logic loop will cause reality to fall in on itself and the universe will collapse into an infinitely dense dot."

"What's infinitely mean?"

"Too many to count."

Peigi's eyes darkened as she remembered the infinity dollars she was supposed to be working towards by writing all the number up to infinity. Daddy deserved a time out, she thought. Returning her attention to the computer monitor she pointed to an icon in the top left corner of the screen. "What's that for?"

"That's the refresh button," Stephanie sighed. She really wasn't looking forward to a 'what's that?' conversation, but apparently she was going to have one whether she wanted to or not. "If you click on it the computer will squirt lemonade into your mouth." With bright eyes Peigi was about to prompt her mother to let her click on it but Stephanie rain all over her parade before she had a chance. "Sorry, sweetie, it only works on Red Days."

000ooo000

**LIE #47**

"Daddy," Peigi asked following her father around the house as he checked all the exits before bed. "What's the Stonehenge for?"

He glanced back at her with a smile. "The Stonehenge was originally used for the very first game of who wants to be a millionaire."

"Who played it?" asked the child watching as her father typed in the code on the back door.

"The cave men sweetie. Shouldn't you be in bed?"

Peigi shrugged and skipped down the hall after Ranger. "I couldn't sleep. I was thinking about what I learned in school today."

Ranger stopped her daughter mid skip and plonked her on her bed. "Sleep," he commanded and just like that Piegi's eyes drifted shut.

000ooo000

**LIES #48&49**

Peigi and Emmet sat at the kitchen table while their mother cooked dinner. It was the only way Stephanie could think to ensure that neither of them got into any mischief while she was otherwise occupied. They each had their drawing pads and were sharing a pack of colours and for once the house was actually quiet. Well of course, that just wouldn't do, Peigi had to break the silence.

"Mummy what should I draw?"

"Draw what ever you like, Piggy, it's your choice."

Peigi thought for a moment. "I don't know what to draw, what should I draw?"

This caused Stephanie to stop and think for a moment, wooden spoon held poised over the bolognaise sauce. "Why don't you draw a dog smoking a pipe."

At this the child screwed up her nose. "Why would a dog smoke a pipe?"

Stephanie sighed. "All dogs smoked pipes in the 1950's."

Frowning Peigi picked up a pencil and began to draw. Her dog was not only smoking a pipe, but was wearing a Sherlock Holmes hat.

Looking over his sister's shoulder Emmet decided that he too hadn't a clue as to what to draw. "Mummy, what do I draw?"

Getting thoroughly sick of this conversation Stephanie replied, "Draw anything you like, Em, but if it's a Disney character I'll call Disney and they'll sue you."

Emmet nodded, his eyes wide and returned to his drawing of a rainbow.

000ooo000

**LIES #50&51**

The serious expression on her face when Peigi arrived at her parents car that afternoon was alarming. She hadn't look this serious in months. "What's wrong Piggy?" Stephanie asked, turning in her seat as Peig strapped herself in.

"Rachel says that you lie to me all the time. Have you ever lied to me Mummy?" by now her arms were crossed over her chest and she was giving her best Burg glare.

"Of course not, honey, I'd never lie to you… except then… and then… and then…" she trailed off, still continuing the train of thought.

"What about you Daddy?" she insisted, "Have you ever lied to me?"

Ranger grinned at his wife. "Everything I say is a lie…" he frowned, "Except that… and that… and that… and that… and that…"


	11. War and Post War

**LIE #52**

Saturday morning cartoons were always Emmet's favourite time. He would sit for hours just giggling at the insane stunts the animated characters, his all time favourite though, would have to be Scooby Doo. One Saturday he sat watching cartoons patiently awaiting Scooby's appearance, when another show came on in its place. With a cry of dismay he ran in to his father's office.

"Daddy! Where'd Scooby go?" he demanded, climbing up on Ranger's lap so that he would not be ignored.

Sighing heavily Ranger looked his son in the eye and stated. "Shaggy died in the Vietnam War and every year Scooby places a very tall sandwich on his grave."

Emmet frowned. "But why isn't he on TV?"

"Because he had to go to Shaggy's grave," Ranger said, mimicking Emmet's exasperated tone.

000ooo000

**LIES #53&54**

Peigi sat on a table in the control room waiting for her parents to finish work before she could go home.

"What did you do in school today Piggy?" Lester asked stealing a lick of her Popsicle while she wasn't looking.

"We're learning about wars," she said smiling as Bobby ruffled her hair.

"Yeah?" Lester stole another lick.

"Yeah, we learned about Adolf Hitler."

"Really?" Tank said, smacking Lester upside the head for taking advantage of the kid. "Did you know that he took a career break in 1942 to go backpacking?"

Peigi shook her head. "Can you help me with my project?"

"Sure Piggy, what's it on?"

"I have to write a report on my favourite thing."

"What's your favourite thing?" Lester asked again stealing a lick and then being abused for it.

"Dolls," Peigi replied, taking a pen a paper out of her school bag.

Lester and Tank rolled their eyes. "Well, due to post-war plastic shortages the very first Barbie was made of wood with a monkey's skull for a head," Tank told her.

Peigi screwed her nose up at this bit on information. "Ew, Uncle Tank, not Barbies, they're icky!"

000ooo000

**LIE #55**

"Daddy, what do you know about the big wars?" Peigi asked her father as they all strapped themselves into the SUV ready to go home. She had pretty much finished her report on Dolls while she waited in the control room and was back on the curiosity factor of the war.

Ranger considered the question for a moment before he answered. "Well, I know that after the Second World War there was a shortage of the letter 'e'."

Peigi gasped. "How did they live? I use 'e' al the time!"

"Parents went without their rations of the letter so that their kids would have enough."

"Wow, that would have been hard."


	12. Nature file No1 Ducks and Cows

_This is the beginning of my nature file, and trust me, there are plenty more... I've broken them down into a few easy installments however, as they go on forever. ENJOY!_

**LIE #56**

Ella was restocking the refrigerator in the break room and Rangeman, shadowed by her favourite little helpers Emmet and Peigi. They were passing her items from the trolley as she asked for them. They were coming to the end of the supply and their topic of conversation had turned to what they would be doing as soon as Stephanie had finished the work she was doing.

"Mummy was going to take us to the park so that we could feed the ducks!" Emmet told her.

"Wow! That sounds like fun!" Ella enthused. "What are you going ot feed them?"

"Bread," Peigi said, "What else would you feed them?"

Bobby, who had entered the break room to grab a bottle of water answered the question for her. "Don't bother feeding them bread, Piggy, they've all gone Atkins."

Ella was shaking her head as Bobby left the room.

"Ella! What are we gonna give the ducks?"

Ella pulled out an old loaf of bread. "Don't listen to what Bobby says, he's just jealous because he doesn't get to feed the ducks, they'll eat the bread. Here, take this."

000ooo000

**LIE #57**

The breakfast table was alive with activity. Peigi was finishing her diarama with the help of her father while they both ate the odd spoonful of cereal. Stephanie was getting lunches ready at the same time as eating her own toast and serving Emmet's breakfast. To make matter more hectic Emmet was curious about everything today.

"Where does milk come from Mummy?" he asked as Stephanie placed a bowl of cereal in front of him.

"Cows," she replied, grabbing the loaf of bread from behind him and accidentally knocking over the tub of glue that Peigi and Ranger had been using. "Shit!" she uttered, reaching for the paper towel, but not finding any. "Ranger, where's the paper towel?"

"We needed it to strengthen the joints, Babe, I'll get some more later." He did not even look up as he said it, therefore not seeing the glue oozing all over the bench.

With no other options Stephanie seized the old tea towel from the back of a chair to sop up the spill.

"What do cows say?" Emmet enquired.

"Moo," Peigi told him.

"Unless they live in Germany," Ranger added, "In which case it 'Das Moo'." The last two words were said with a German accent causing Emmet to laugh and Peigi and Steph to roll their eyes.

000ooo000

**LIE #58**

Peigi and her friends were treading carefully through the paddock following their teacher and the tour guide. It was coming to the end of the excursion and Peigi would be thankful to be able to walk without double-checking every step she took.

"Watch out for the cowpats!" the tour guide yelled, as if they hadn't already noticed them.

"Where do cow pats come from?" one of the boys in the class asked.

"Cow pats are made by Ladybirds," replied the tour guide as the teacher shook her head hopelessly.

"I'll believe that when I see it," Rachel whispered to Peigi and they both giggled.


	13. Nature file No2 Camping Trip

_Here we have it, Nature file number two. Each lie in this installment is fairly consecutive with the one before it. Ahh, the joys of camping. Have fun!!_

**LIE #59**

Stephanie sagged against the doorframe as she watched the car pull out of the driveway. An entire weekend to herself! It was a dream come true, she just hoped that Ranger and his men took care of the kids.

"Can you count backwards from ninety-nine?" Tank asked Emmet as they drove down the street.

Ranger shot him a look from the driver's seat. "You are not going to sing that dreaded song are you?"

"We could always try 'A song that'll get on your nerves'," Lester laughed from the back seat and the kids joined in.

Ranger shuddered at the thought. "Why can't you just sing normal songs, or better yet, not sing at all!"

Bobby shook his head. "Ranger, man, this is a camping trip! We have to sing these corny songs, it's like a law!"

"Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall," Tank started, "Ninety-nine bottles of beer," guys joined in, "Take one down pass it around, Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall. Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall…" _Fade out…Fade in_ "Take one down pass it around eighteen bottles of beer on the wall. Eightee-."

"Enough!" Ranger exclaimed, "Find something else to do!"

"Why don't we play 'Eye-Spy'?" Peigi suggested.

"Sure Piggy," Bobby agreed, "I'll go first." He looked out the window for a moment. "I spy with my little eye, something beginning with 'H'."

"Hair?"

"Hare?"

"I said that!"

"You said hair," Peigi said tugging one of his curly locks. " I said hare, like a rabbit, but different."

"Oh."

"Hat."

"Hammock."

"Happiness."

"Horse?"

"Horrid smell?"

"How can you see a horrid smell Uncle Tank?"

"It doesn't matter you're all wrong so far."

They all thought for a moment. "Hair pin bend!" Lester exclaimed.

"No again."

They were all looking at each other with confused expressions now. "We give up!"

"It's a Hammer Head Rabbit!" he said gleefully.

"Hammer Head Rabbit?" Ranger asked, "Who's ever heard of a Hammer Head Rabbit?"

"Are you kidding? They're savage!! Not to mention they can smell a carrot twenty miles away under water!"

The car was filled with laughter and that was the end of the game of 'Eye-Spy'.

000ooo000

**LIE #60&61**

Ranger sat his kids down on a log once the tents were pitched and the Merry Men stood behind him to listen to the rules. "Right, nobody goes anywhere alone. Don't eat the plants, they might be poisonous. Don't approach the animals they might be dangerous."

"Don't kiss a three toed sloth!" Lester chimed in.

"Why's that?" Tank asked.

"It'll turn into a six toed sloth," Lester explained.

"How's that possible?" Peigi asked.

"It'll get pregnant."

Ranger shook his head in dismay at the conversation. He was a goner. But at least there will always be comic relief when he wants some.

"Oh, and another thing," Bobby said, "Don't cut a badger in half with an axe."

Ranger turned to him, a menacing look in his eye. "Why do you think a five and eleven year old are going to cut a badger in half?"

Bobby shrugged. "Anything is possible."

"What happens if you cut a badger in half with an axe Uncle Bobby?" Emmet asked eagerly.

"It turns into two chipmunks, and lord knows there's already enough chipmunks in the world."

Lester and Tank were laughing their heads off, as was Peigi, which left Ranger simply shaking his head at the prospect of having an entire weekend of this.

000ooo000

**LIE #62**

_Peace at last!_ Ranger thought, lying back in the hammock revelling in the silence left behind. Tank, Lester and Bobby had offered to take the kids on a bush walk so that he could have a break. His only worry was that they would tell them scary stories and neither of them would be able to sleep tonight. _This would be a lot better if Stephanie was here with me._

Taking a deep slug of his beer, Ranger was just about ready to fall asleep when there was a scream from not far away. _I know that scream_ he thought, sitting bolt upright. There came the sound of crashing trees and Peigi came slogging through the undergrowth followed swiftly by Emmet and at the tail end were the assumed source of the problem, Tank Bobby and Lester.

"Daddy!!" Peigi screamed again. "Daddy … frog… peed… witch…."

Ranger was having trouble understanding what the girl was trying to tell him as there was still the immense sound of the men traipsing through the bush. Finally when they had all emerged he managed to calm Peigi down enough to decipher what she was so panicked about.

"Daddy the frog peed on me and now I'm going to turn into a witch!" the child exclaimed gesturing wildly as she paced in front of her father.

"Why are you going to turn into a witch?" Ranger asked, a little confused. HE shot a glance to his men who were standing with their heads hung in shame just awaiting their punishment.

"Because the frog peed on me Daddy!!" she stared her father in the eye, imploring his help.

"Who told you that you would turn into a witch if a frog peed on you?" he demanded, looking from his daughter to his son who was cowering away from Peigi near the tent. Emmet pointed directly at Tank while Bobby and Lester simultaneously took a step back. "Listen to me Peigi, don't believe a word they tell you. And besides, your mother and I would love you even if you had turned into a witch."

Peigi's eyes filled with tears. "But I'll be UGLY!"


	14. Anatomy Lesson

_So here's a little bit on an anatomy lesson for all those who do, or do not, do biology._

**LIES #63,64&65**

"Ranger, are you ready yet? We're going to be late!!!" Stephanie called from the bottom of the stairs. The kids were already sitting in the car getting up to God knows what mischief and Ranger was dragging his feet getting ready.

"Mum," said Peigi, all of a sudden standing right behind her. She had obviously inherited her father's sneaking skills. "Dad's already in the car. He came out just after you left."

Shaking her head Stephanie followed her daughter back out to the garage. Ranger was looking incredibly hot in his Armani suit and Stephanie just wished that kids weren't there, because she just wanted to rip the suit off him, instead she satisfied herself with a simply kiss on the lips. "Ready?" Ranger asked her, turning the engine over and backing out of the driveway.

"I guess I have no choice," she replied fastening her seatbelt. And off they went to 'enjoy' a night of family at her parents house. What would she rather be doing on Valentines? Oh yes! Celebrating her love for her husband between the sheets, but of course, they had, out of courtesy, at least make an appearance at her sister's wedding anniversary.

"Mum, is Grandma gonna pinch me again?" Peigi asked.

"I don't know honey, just try to steer clear of her."

The door opened and they were ushered into the dining room. "I thought you weren't going to come!" Valerie exclaimed, "The kids have been looking forward to seeing their cousins all week."

Stephanie gave a week smile as Peigi and Emmet rushed past her in pursuit of the other children. She followed her sister to the living room and sat down so that the children were still in view, knowing that something was going to happen, it was always the way. Ranger was leaning on the back of her chair, since there were no more seats and she could tell that his eyes were trained on the kids at the far end of the room, even if his was taking part in the conversation.

"My Dad told me tat one in five people can fit their entire arm up their nose," Angie told he little cousin, Peigi. She looked around the group of children around her. "And since there's six of us here, one of us should be able to do it. I've already tried, but I can't. Why don't you try Emmet?"

Emmet scowled at the older girl, he had never much liked her since she told him that his forehead would cave in if someone sucked on his nose. Now every time she saw him she would try to grab him under the pretence of sucking his nose. "No," Emmet told her, stalking off to sit near his parents so that he was under their protection.

The night went way too slowly for any of their likings and was filled with curious happenings such as Peigi trying to put her hand into her belly button. "Angie told me to do it!" she later exclaimed, "She said that one in nine people could fit their entire arm in their belly button!"

000ooo000

**LIE #66**

Emmet was sitting on a stool in the hallway when Stephanie emerged from her bedroom after getting changed. She was wearing a sarong of her bikini ready for their trip to the beach. Emmet stood as she approached and held up his sun hat. "It's too big, Mummy."

Stephanie adjusted the hat for him and they went downstairs to organise the cooler. When Ranger came down stairs a few minutes later he was wearing black board shorts and a black short sleeve shirt. Stephanie shook her head at him and pointed up the stairs and he sighed and went back up to change. She was determined to get him out of black for at least a day.

Emmet turned to his mother. "Why does Daddy always wear a shirt?" he asked, looking down at his own bare chest.

"Daddy has one nipple and two belly buttons," Stephanie replied, passing him a container of sandwiches to put in the cooler.


	15. Spaghetti and Dead People

_Well it took a little longer than usual, but I finally got another chapter done. As always I wish you great enjoyment_

**LIE #67**

When they arrived at the beach Emmet was running along the beach admiring all the creatures he found. Pointing excitedly at the pretty shells he picked up as he ran up and down the shoreline, with his elder sister trailing behind him to make sure he didn't get into too much trouble.

After a while Ranger came jogging over to where Em and Peigi were crouching over a starfish. "Whatcha lookin' at?" he asked, ruffling his son's hair. Emmet pointed to the starfish in front of him. "Ahh!" Ranger exclaimed.

"What is it?" he asked.

"It's a starfish."

"Why's it on the ground?"

"Well, you see," Ranger began, casting his gaze around at the litter on the sand. "Starfish are alcoholics. That's why there's always empty cans on the beach, and you never see a Starfish standing up."

Peigi rolled her eyes and shook her head, having learned to recognise when her father was lying.

"Whoah," Emmet breathed.

000ooo000

**LIE #68**

It was time to do a full house clean, Stephanie decided one morning. She pulled on old jeans and a baggy shirt and hid her hair under a bandana. Peigi was in a similar get up having been told that she had to clean her room. A few hours passed and a yell stormed through the house. As if on cue Peigi yelled out, "I DIDN'T DO IT!"

Stephanie stomped up the stairs, the handset in her hand and stopped in Peigi's doorway. "Peigi Anne Manoso! Why is there spaghetti dust in the phone?"

"How'd you know it was spaghetti dust?" she cried

"A mother always knows. Now out with it."

"Well, Fran called and I don't like her, and well, Uncle Bobby told me that if I shoved raw spaghetti down the little holes in the phone receiver it'd shoot out in the other person's ear."

Stephanie was shaking her head. She should have known it would be one of the Merry Men. It was getting a little out of hand of late. Deciding that she needed to sit them down for a long chat, she beckoned Pegi to her to explain a few things.

000ooo000

**LIE #69**

"Oh Christ," Stephanie murmured as she opened the door of her black SUV.

"What is it Babe?" Ranger asked coming into the garage with the kids trailing behind him. When he caught sight of the back seat of the car he quickly ushered the children back into the kitchen ordering them to stay there.

Stephanie was shaking when he returned to her. "It never gets easier, Ranger, I thought I'd be used to it by now, but it doesn't get easier."

Ranger stopped her in her verbal diarrhoea by claiming her lips. "It's okay," he whispered, "I'm here. It's okay." Stephanie nodded and pushed a few tendrils of hair out of her face.

In the kitchen Peigi was getting impatient, she wanted to go to the park and she'd be damned if anything was going to stop her. She pushed open the door to the garage and was greeted with the sight of a foreign body in the back seat of her mother's car. She squealed with realisation and ran back into the kitchen, hiding herself under the table. A curious Emmet made his way to the door where he was met by his mother. She handed him her cell phone.

"Call Uncle Joe," she told the young boy, "Tell him to come right away."

He stood there for a few moments after the door was closed in his face, listening to the conversation between his parents. "… Ranger there is a dead body in my car!" came his mother's voice before he dialled his uncle.

"Howdy," came Joe's greeting down the line.

"Uncle Joe, Mummy wants you to come over right away."

"What's wrong?" he asked the kid.

"Mummy says there's a dead body in the car."

There was a muttered expletive on the cop's end and he asked, "Em, where are you?"

Emmet shrugged for a minute. "In the kitchen. Mummy's in the car's bedroom. She wants you to come here now."

"Okay, I'm coming."

"Uncle Joe?" Peigi had plucked the phone from her brother's hand.

"Yeah pumpkin." He noticed the fear in her voice, so similar to that of her mother.

"Dead people are scary."

"Sweetie, dead people are just being lazy," he assured the girl. "Now I have to hang up so I can get over there. I'll see you in a minute okay?"

Peigi nodded silently then remembered that he could hear her brain rattling and said goodbye.


	16. Flares and Drainpipes

_It has been a little longer than usual getting this chapter up and I'm sorry for it being so short, but school has started back here in this magical land. So, to my faithful readers, I hope this will tide you over until I update next, but I must concentrate on my studies. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated; I am only human and require correcting just as much as everyone else, sometimes more. __Enjoy!_

**LIE #70**

"Thank you so much for taking the kids for the day, Joe. I don't know what I would have done if they were under my feet for one more second."

Joe chuckled softly ruffling Emmet's hair as they stood on the front porch. "Are you kidding? I love spending tie with these little tykes!"

Peigi sighed and shook her head. "I'm not a little tyke, Uncle Joe. I'm eleven years old for chrissake!"

"Where did you pick up language like that?" Stephanie exclaimed, grabbing her daughter's wrist.

"You! You say it all the time!" Peigi reefed her arm out of her mother's vice like grip and ran to Joe's car.

Stephanie sighed and shook her head. "Have fun."

**…**

"Can we open our eyes now?" Peigi asked jumping up and down as she hung on tight to her Uncle's arm. "Where are we going?"

"I told you Piggy, it's a surprise. Just a few more steps."

"Yuck, Uncle Joe, what's that icky smell?" Emmet exclaimed holding his nose while keeping his eyes shut tight.

"Alright, open them," he commanded. Both children opened their eyes, their gazes immediately falling on the penguin enclosure.

"You brought us to see the stupid penguins? Uncle Joe, we've seen the penguins!"

"Ah," Joe uttered, "But you haven't been in with the penguins have you?"

"We get to go in there?" Emmet asked excitedly.

"Yep and if you're lucky we might smuggle one out."

Peigi was shaking her head in exactly the same manner he had often seen on Stephanie. "Why would we smuggle one out?"

"To test the little bit of knowledge I acquired of course," Joe told her as if it were obvious."

"What knowledge would that be?" Peigi enquired condescendingly of her Uncle.

"Penguins really can fly. They just pretend that they can't. If you throw one off a tall building you'll see for yourself."

Peigi was still shaking her head, but there was a stubborn smile on her face now. _More and more like her mother everyday,_ Joe thought.

000ooo000

**LIE #71**

The blender was going noisily as he approached the break room. It was weird, he'd never known anyone to use the blender, everyone always just contented themselves with whatever Ella left out for them. Rounding the doorframe he found two little munchkins on stools at the table. "What do you think you're doing?" Lester asked, having sneaked up behind them.

"Making Uncle Tank a smoothie," came Emmet's immediate reply.

"Daddy said that everybody loves a meat smoothie, and Uncle Tank was complaining about not getting a lunch break today; so we're going to bring him a smoothie!"

Lester laughed, ruffled the little boys hair and clipped Peigi under the chin before returning to his cubicle to finish some paper work, leaving the two siblings to finish their unintended prank.

000ooo000

**LIE #72**

"Daddy, where are we going?" Peigi asked from the back seat of the SUV after about an hour.

Ranger looked at his wife and mother of his children. "Babe?"

"You'll see," she said simply, a gleeful smile on her face.

"What if we get lost again?" Emmet asked, looking out the window at the passing scenery. "Last time Mummy was driving and wouldn't tell us where we were going we got lost!"

Peigi chuckled. "But this time we have Cornettos!" she exclaimed.

Confused, Emmet turned from the window to his sister, a question in his singular raised eyebrow. "Why does that matter?" he asked.

Ranger, who had turned in his seat to see his children was smiling when he answered for his daughter. " If you dangle a Cornetto on a piece of string it will always point north."

Stephanie shook her head. "Don't you have a compass anyway, Ranger?"

Ranger nodded, "But this way is tastier."

000ooo000

**LIE #73**

Peigi, Emmet, Stephanie and Joe were sitting in the living room of Joe's house watching a program of fashion through the ages. Peigie kept laughing at the ridiculous stuff that used to be worn and Emmet kept asking persistent questions.

"What's with those silly pants?" Emmet demanded, referring to a pair of flare-legged jeans worn by a man with long blonde hair.

Joe smiled. "They were to accommodate the size and shape of a person's legs originally."

Stephanie nodded her agreement and took it to a higher level. "One of your Uncles had his legs surgically flared in the 1970's; just five years later he had them surgically drainpiped."

Peigi was laughing at this, as was Emmet, who asked, "Which one?"

Stephanie shrugged, "You'll have to check all their legs for scarring."

_Thankyou for reading, now it would be marvellous if you would review, I love hearing from you all!_


	17. Religion Facts

_Standard disclaimer... you know the stuff..._

_Okay... I found a spare moment and wrote a couple more lies for you enjoyment, although... there may be some content in this chapter that may offend some people... it kinda makes fun of religion a bit, so i thought i should cover my ass and apologise... Anyway, hope you like it._

**LIE #74**

"…In Jesus' name, Amen." _Finally! _Peigi thought raising her head and opening her eyes after what seemed like forever. Her grandmother had dragged her to church and insisted that she take part in the Sunday school. As she looked around now she realised that she was the oldest "student" in the room. This drew a heavy sigh from deep with in her body and she returned to fiddling the the hem of her skirt noisily as she had been several minutes ago.

There was a jab to her ribs and she turned her head to find a young boy glaring up at her through thick glasses. He made a 'shh'ing sound before returning his attention to the pretty young lady at the front of the classroom.

"I already know this," Peigi whispered to the young boy, barely moving her lips.

"No you don't!" he whispered back.

"Yes I do, ask me anything."

The boy glared at her again and thought for a moment. "How do we know what God wants?"

Peigi looked at him as if to say, 'Is that all you've got' before replying. "The Pope has to ring God every week for a catch up just to make sure everything is going according to plan. God never rings first."

The sound that next came from the boy was one of realisation at the purpose of the Pope. "But God's really busy, sometimes he gets caught up in running the world and doesn't realise what time it is," the little boy told her.

Peigi shook her head and smiled at his excuse and thought, _Must be trouble between the parents._

000ooo000

**LIES #75&76**

"It's nice to finally see you at church!" Helen told her daughter after the service as they walked across the lawn toward where Peigi stood amongst all the younger children. "Look at how well Peigi is getting on with the other children."

"Mum, Peigi gets along with anyone who doesn't call her a stinky poo head," Stephanie told her mother.

"Well I'm sure there will be none of that here."

"What's rain made of?" one kid asked.

"Rain is Jesus' wee wee," Peigi replied.

"What happened to Dinosaurs?" asked a little girl with a t-rex toy under her arm.

"You all know the story of Noah's ark?" Peigi enquired, they all nodded. "Well after eleven days on the ark, Noah got bored and killed all the Dinosaurs for a laugh."

"Come on Peigi!" Stephanie called, heading toward the car where Ranger and Emmet were standing ready and rearing to go.

"Sorry, guys," Peigi told the younger ones, "I have to go home now, but next time I'll tell you about Jesus' branding consultants."

As they buckled up Stephanie asked Peigi if she enjoyed herself. Peigi nodded enthusiastically and mentioned that she wanted to come back next week. Stephanie grimaced at the thought and told her that her grandmother would love to bring her along with her.

_As always I appreciate reviews but if you're gonna tell me it's crap I don't wanna know, because I have enough self doubt already. I seriously have no idea why anyone would want to read this dribble... but anyway... Please Review!_


	18. More Religion Facts

_For all my devoted fans you'll be glad to know that exams are officially over as of tomorrow and I can return to writing! Here are a few more religion related lies, so again, I don't mean to offend. Looking forward to all your wonderful reviews! ENJOY!_

**LIES #77, 78 & 79**

When her Grandmother pulled the car to the curb she was out of the car in a flash. Within moments little kids demanding to know about Jesus' branding consultants surrounded her.

"I asked my mummy and she told me to stop being stupid, that Jesus didn't have branding consultants."

Peigi shook her head and laughed, the entire story formulating in her mind. "Of course he did, except the Bible calls them his disciples."

A collective "Oh" came from the small crowd gathered around her, and they urged her to go on.

"Okay, but you have to promise not to mention it to your parents, they won't understand. So, in 1994, Jesus' branding consultants gave him shades and a snowboard to make him look cool."

"Wow," came a whisper from all around her.

"Both were removed when he was relaunched as 'Classic Christ' in 1996."

"You really do know everything don't you?"

Peigi scoffed. "Of course I do! After the age of twelve you slowly loose your intelligence. Age eleven is when you know everything there is to know and you get to keep the knowledge for a year before its starts seeping out your ears."

The little kids all gasped and put their hands over their ears. At that moment the Sunday school teacher came and beckoned them inside.

000ooo000

**LIE #80**

"Who can tell me something about Jesus?" she asked once they were all settled.

Everyone's hand flew into the air and Peigi leaned over to whisper in the boys ear next to her, "His 'Christ Mobile' only appears in two of the four Gospels."

The boy giggled and raised his hand higher hoping to be seen so he could share his new found knowledge.

000ooo000

**LIE #81**

"Dad, can I get a chicken?" Peigi asked coming into his office one day after school.

"Go ask your mother," he replied, not looking up from his pile of paperwork.

Peigi sighed. "I already did, she said to ask you. So can I?"

Ranger gazed at her calculatingly for a moment over the top of his reading glasses. "Why do you want a chicken all of a sudden?" he asked.

"Janice has loads of chickens, I just want one."

"Tell you what, we'll grow you a chicken," he told her. Peigi just rolled her eyes. "Leave a chicken nugget in a shoe box with water and corn and in a few days it will have grown into a live chicken."

Again she rolled her eyes. "Dad, I know the facts of life. Chickens don't grow from chicken nuggets."

Ranger shrugged and returned to his paper work. "If you say so sweetie."


	19. Its an Ants Life

**_Here we have another beautiful segment of "GREAT LIES" if I do say so myself. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Don't forget to review._**

**LIES #82 &83**

"Ants are very smart creatures you know Peigi," her mother told her.

"Yes, Mum, I know." Peigi was sick of this talk of not underestimating things. She sprinkled a some boxes of matches and drawing pins on the dirt next the nest they had been examining. "There."

"What are they for?" Stephanie asked her.

"I'm proving to Dad that ants are intelligent. Tomorrow morning they will have set up a Rickshaw business for snails. Just wait."

Stephanie stared after her daughter as she skipped down the path toward Emmet who was crouched at yet another ants nest. As she approached Emmet stood up and exclaimed, "This is a sand cotton bud and washer case, Peigi. Look at how skinny they are!" He ran over to get a handful of sand while Peigi dug a few washers and cotton buds out of her pockets.

"What's going on at this one?" Stephanie asked her children.

"They're gonna make themselves an insect muscle beach!" Emmet told her.

"Where do you get these ideas?" she asked.

Both children just shrugged and went to find their next activity.

000ooo000

**LIE # 84**

"Right!" Ranger yelled as he arrived home one evening. "Whoever left those drawing pins out is going to spend all day on the naughty mat!" Emmet, who had been sitting on the bottom of the hall stairs, quickly scittered up to his room to avoid his enraged father. "Emmet! Peigi! Get your behinds down here right now!!"

Slowly and with great caution the two siblings made their way to the entrance way. Once they had arrived they sat on the bottom step with their heads hung in shame. "We're sorry Dad," Peigi told him.

"There are drawing pins all over the lawn!!" he yelled at them. "What possessed you to do such a thing?"

"It looks like its going to rain," Emmet explained.

"Don't change the subject young man. Why did you leave the drawing pins everywhere?"

"Dad he wasn't changing the subject, he was explaining why we left the pins out."

"Nonsense! Now either you tell me now or you're both going to bed without dessert."

He watched with satisfaction as both their mouths dropped to the floor. It was one of the only methods of punishment he had found that worked, definitely a trait inherited from their mother. "Dad! You can't do that! We were trying to explain!! Why won't you ever listen to us?"

"I'm listening, but I'm still not hearing any reasons."

"Ranger, calm down," Stephanie soothed, coming to the doorway between the entranceway and the kitchen. "They're trying to explain to you, just give them the chance."

He took a deep breath and returned his attention to the two on the stairs, giving them a gesture that said, 'Go on then.'

"As Emmet was saying," Peigi began, "It looks like its going to rain-."

"HOW IS THAT RELEVANT!"

"Ranger!" His wife gave him a stern look, the kind she gave the kids all the time and he realised why they obeyed her.

"Sorry. So its looks like its going to rain?"

"And we didn't want the ants to be unprepared so we gave them some drawing pins to use as umbrellas."

Ranger was shaking his head in the typical 'Why me' fashion when he heard Stephanie speak.

"That was very thoughtful of you," she told the terrible two-some. "Now be sure to pick them all up tomorrow, won't you? We don't want anyone to stand of them and hurt themselves."

The children nodded their heads in agreement and hastily made their way back up stairs and away from their scary father.


	20. Tourists in the Land of Oz

**_Right, so here we are with another installment. I'd like to thank all my faithful reviews, you really do a girl's self esteem a world of good. This chapter plays on the gullibilty of Americans, so I'm sorry, but these lies are so common over here that I couldn't not include them... I'd like to thank the Scared Wierd Little Guys for Lie #89 and Andy Riley for Lie #86. As always they characters are mostly not mine. So, Enjoy!_**

**LIES #85 & 86**

"Daddy I want to see a Kangaroo!" Peigi exclaimed as she had several times through the course of their plane flight.

This time however, the man across the aisle leaned over and spoke to her. "Is this your first time to Australia?" he asked with a distinctly Australian accent.

Peigi nodded enthusiastically as did Emmet on her other side. "Daddy's got to attend to some business, so Mum's gonna take us sight seeing. I wanna see a Kangaroo."

"Uncle Tank says you ride on Kangaroos to work and school and everything!" Emmet yelled, acquiring stern looks from his parents and several people in the surrounding seats. "Is it true?"

The man laughed and shook his head. "Of course not, that's absurd! There's no such thing as Kangaroos, its just a mouse standing very near."

Peigi and Emmet looked at one another and their thoughts were mutual. "Uncle Tank lied to us again."

000ooo000

**LIES #87& 88**

As they left the terminal they were relieved to find they didn't have to hail a cab as they would have back home, as there were already a line of them waiting. They took their stuff to the nearest one and the Cabbie started loading it into the boot. Ranger took the front passenger seat and Stephanie rode in the back with the kids.

The Cabbie noticed their accents right away and asked where they were from. After about ten minutes of polite conversation he asked if it was their first time in Australia, to which they all replied yes. Well, being the kind gentleman he was, the Cabbie thought it pertinent that he give them a bit of a nature warning.

"Look out for drop bears," he told them. "They look just like Koalas but they're evil. They'll eat you as soon as look at you. You know they're comin' when you hear rustling in the trees above ya. Once you hear that rustling you got about two seconds to get out of the way, or it'll drop from the tree and eat you alive.

Peigi's eyes were wide in fright, and Stephanie's weren't much better. "Is there anything else we shold know about?" she asked, cuddling the kids in close.

"Yeah," he said, "Hoop Snakes. You wanna steer clear of them. Highly venomous, and fast buggers too. See what they do is bite their tale and make a hoop outs themselves and roll toward ya."

"Wow!" Emmet exclaimed, still tight in his mother's grips. "Australia is really dangerous!"

"You bet it is little man," said the Cabbie as he pulled up outside of their hotel. "Now you all take care."

000ooo000

**LIE #89**

A few days later they were at Lon Pine Sanctuary, which was essentially a zoo. They had made it to the Koala enclosure and were talking to the animal carer there.

"Have you ever brought in a drop bear mistaking it for a Koala?" Peigi asked the woman.

The woman laughed. "Oh, honey. There's no such thing as drop bears." Stephanie breathed a sigh of relief, she had been looking intently up into every tree they walked under in case one was there waiting to drop. "No, you see, that rumour was actually started by a tourist who had been attacked by a Koala. They all think that Koalas are cuddley little animals, but what they don't realise is that Koalas are savage vermin. They'll kill ya, mate. I mean, these ones we have here are only babies," she indicated the enclosure behind her. "Koalas actually grow to eight feet tall."

"You're kidding," Steph whispered.

The woman shook her head. "Not only that, they're highly flammable."

"Flammable?" Ranger cut in, he hadn't really been concerned about the whole savage bit, he could protect his family from that, but if the koalas are flammable, what with the constant heat of this country, that could be a problem.

"Yes, you see, they eat nothing but eucalyptus leaves, and their little arms are so short that they can't clean the tops of their heads. The eucalyptus oil builds up and at the slightest spark or flash of lightning, cigarette butt out the window perhaps, they're completely up in flames. There's only one thing sadder than watching a koala trying to clean the top of its head, and that's one trying to pat itself out."

"Oh my GOD!" Peigi exclaimed. "The poor little animals!!"


	21. Food Facts

**_Little bit of fun with food. Nothing's mine. Nothing's yours... unless you're Andy Riley or Janet Evanovich, in which case I'm honoured that you would take the time out to read my ameture writing! Criticism welcome._**

**LIE # 90**

Peigi was jockeying for a new MP3 player and therefore was being the most helpful person on the earth. She went to the supermarket with her mother and didn't make any fuss and upon their return brought in the groceries. They were babysitting two year old Michael from down the street as a favour to Mrs Herbst and he kept following her everywhere. He carried a bottle of milk into the kitchen, doing his part, but as he was lifting it up onto the bench it slipped from his hands.

He started to cry, big crocodile tears, and Stephanie ran to pick up the milk as Peigi comforted him. "It's okay, Michael. There's no need to cry over spilt milk! Look, my Mummy has it all cleaned up already? See?"

"But-Milk-Feels-Pain!" he gasped out, rubbing one eye.

Stephanie gave Peigi a stern look, obviously under the impression that Peigi had told him this. "I've never heard that one before, Mum; honestly."

Deciding to put it aside for a moment and comfort the little boy. "It's okay. This milk is extra tough, a little fall like that wouldn't hurt it."

000ooo000

**LIE #91**

"Hey Michael," Emmet called to the two year old later that day. The boy came running. "Did you know that eggs talk to each other after you shut the fridge door?" He shook his head and followed Emmet to the kitchen and stood while he opened the door and pointed out the two egg boxes; one full, the other with one left. Upon closing the door again Emmet motioned for Michael to come closer to the fridge and press his ear against the door.

Peigi, who was hiding behind the fridge began a dialogue in different voices. "Look, Sarge, a survivor!" "My whole platoon… WIPED OUT…"

"Wow!" Michael exclaimed. "I have to tell my mummy that one."

Peigi and Emmet chuckled silently as the kid skipped from the room.

000ooo000

**LIE #92**

Stephanie stood in the kitchen making the kids lunches. When she pulled out Pegi's lunch box and discovered she hadn't eaten the tomato from her salad she called her in to ask her why.

"You know you need to eat all your vegetables if you want to grow up big and strong don't you?"

Peigi nodded. "Strictly speaking though, Mum, the tomato is not a vegetable." Stephanie rolled her eyes, how could she forget, tomato was a… "It's really a kind of dolphin."…fruit…

"Dolphin?" she asked, utterly perplexed.

"Yes dolphin, didn't you know that, mum?"

Steph shook her head in disbelief as Peigi continued getting ready. The tomato was a dolphin? That was rich.

000ooo000

**LIE #93**

Emmet came bounding down the stairs and into the kitchen several moments later to put in his order for today's lunch. "Can I _please_ have a penguin biscuit?" he asked as he had down the past three days. "Everyone else in my class takes penguin biscuits in their lunch."

"Is today a red day?" Stephanie asked the boy without looking up from the sandwhich she was making.

Emmet looked at the calendar. "No. But why can't I have a penguin biscuit?"

"Do you like eating penguins, Emmet?" the boy shook his head in reply. "Well it takes the brains and beaks of four penguins to make a penguin biscuit. Brains are a red food, as is chocolate."

Emmet screwed up his nose and thought for a moment. "I'll have a salad, without dolphin."

_My God_, Steph thought,_ where did they get these crazy ideas?_

000ooo000

**LIE #94**

"Guess what I learnt in Home Ec. today!" Peigi told her father as she sat on the visitors chair of his Rangeman office.

"What did you learn in Home Ec. today?" he asked glancing at her over the top of his reading glasses.

"Never eat the pork, bacon or anything else that comes from a pig if you're in India."

Ranger was intrigued. "And why's that?"

"Because, when you go to the toilet in India its just a big hole in the floor and underneath the floor is where the pigs live and they eat our poo." _(A/N:I'm not actually sure if this is true… my grade nine Home Ec teacher told me and well… sometimes you just can't tell if they're lying… she seemed pretty serious about it…We'll treat it as fact for the benefit of the lie that shall follow)_

Ranger nodded. "I wouldn't eat the bacon in Denmark either."

Peigi sat up a little straighter. "Why not?"

"Because they use it as bank notes." He shrugged and returned to the form he was filling out.


	22. More Food Facts

**MORE FOOD FACTS**

**LIE #95**

"Ranger! The DVD player isn't working again!" Stephanie called to her husband on Saturday afternoon. She was just settling down to watch Ghost Busters with Peigi. A few minutes later Ranger entered the room, Emmet at his heels, and knelt down to deal with the DVD player. After checking all the plugs and inputs he opened the disc draw and took out the Ghost Busters DVD. Examining the tray he started to laugh. "What is it?" Stephanie asked.

Shaking his head Ranger replied, "There's bits of food in here."

"Bits of food?" Peigi asked, "What kind of food?"

He took a closer look in the tray and, shaking his head once again he said, "It looks like Ham and Cheese."

"Yep," Emmet said, "Its ham and cheese. I was trying to watch short films, like Uncle Lester said, but they didn't work."

"What short films?" Stephanie asked.

"The short film about pigs that's supposed to play if you put a round slice of ham in the DVD player, and the one about cows that plays when you put a round slice of cheese in the player. But it didn't play" he repeated.

Stephanie had a look of horror on her face, but Ranger was just laughing again. "Well, they do have to be perfectly round, maybe you just got a dud."

Stephanie rolled her eyes. "Just clean it out so we can watch Ghost Busters."

000ooo000

**LIE #96** _This is for all those Parents out there_

"Dinner's ready girls!" Ranger yelled to Peigi and her friend. He laid out the stirfry and fried rice on the table ready, and placed the plates in front of chairs so that they could serve themselves.

Stephanie was out with Emmet at one of his friend's houses, so Peigi had been allowed to have a friend over for dinner. As they entered Ranger saw simultaneous expression changes. Peigi's face lifted at the prospect of dinner, but her friend's fell in disgust.

They sat and began to dish up their meals. Peigi with enthusiasm, and Rachel, the friend, was rather slow. Once they had their food Peigi and Ranger began eating, however Rachel sat there with hands in her lap. "What's wrong?" Peigi asked her.

"It's all vegetables!" she exclaimed.

Peigi shook her head. "No its not, there's bacon in the fried rice and chicken in the stirfry and rice isn't a vegetable."

"Well it's mostly vegetables then."

Ranger, who had been listening intently to the conversation thought he ought to step in at this point. "You know, Rachel, if you tried a vegetable you might like it."

At this Rachel gave him a look that said, "Yeah right, as if," and proceeded to sit there not eating anything.

000ooo000

**LIE #97**

The break room was filled with laughter when Emmet and Peigi approached one day after school. It was a Friday afternoon and there were only a few men still working, the rest had retired to the break room for some wind down time. As the children entered the room they found everyone crowded around the wide screen television.

"What are you watching?" Emmet asked, planting himself on Bobby's lap as Peigi found a seat on Lester's.

"Last years Christmas Party Security tape," one of the men told them. "Watch this." The tape was wound back a few frames. Cal was pointing to a specific part of the screen. "That's your mum."

Looking closely they could see Stephanie, with a glass of wine in each hand standing on the tabletop. Next she handed her wine off to the nearest Merry Man and proceeded to execute a perfect cart wheel across the several tables that had been pushed up together. Once she had straightened the men all cheered and she went into a series of back flips toward the other end of the table.

"Wow," Emmet exclaimed. "I've never seen her do anything like that before."

"That's because wine makes Mummy clever, squirt," Bobby replied laughing a bit.


	23. Science and Security

_It's been a while, my friends, but hopefully I've not totally lost my mind. Some Lies have graced my consciousness in the past week and so I share them with you. Hope you enjoy them._

**LIE # 98**

"Hey Emmet!" Peigi called to her brother as she sat on the sofa with her friends. They were all giggling in anticipation of what would happen next. Peigi had been regaling the other girls of all the times she had convinced her brother of totally outrageous facts. "Seriously guys, watch this," she whispered as they heard Emmet's footsteps in the hall.

"What do you want?" Emmet said, a pouty look on his face as he stood in the doorway.

"Well, I just thought that you would want to know something we learned in science today; it's really interesting actually. Scientists have bred an entirely liquid dog which has to be carried in a bucket."

The seven year old's eyes widened and glanced around the room at the faces all trying to hold in their laughter in. His expression quickly turned to suspicion at the odd expressions on their faces, and he asked, "Are you lying?" All the girls shook their heads adamantly. "I don't believe you," he said, eyes narrowed pointedly at his sister.

"Go ask Dad then," Peigi replied.

000ooo000

**LIE #99**

"What are you doing?" Ranger asked, entering the kitchen to find his daughter at the table with a bunch of craft materials and a large sheet of poster paper.

Peigi sighed and glanced up at her father swiping a lock of hair from her face and leaving behind a trail of orange chalk residue. "I have to make this stupid poster for biology."

Dropping his briefcase beside the door and rolling up the sleeves of his business shirt he sat down in a chair next her and asked, "What's it on?"

"The elephant," Peigi said in disgust, moving her hands over the poster paper with finesse, leaving behind orange and yellow streaks. "And how it evolved... or something like that." She cleaned her hands on a moist towel the sat on the table, then dried them on another. "It was supposed to be a group assignment, but my group has been away for the last three weeks. So I'm stuck doing it by myself."

"Do you want some help?" Ranger asked, with a touch of concern at seeing his little girl this worked up.

"Are you going to be serious about it? It's due tomorrow, and I don't have time to double check all the details you give me."

Sadly, at just thirteen, Peigi had grown weary of everything her father stated as fact. She had learned so many lies from him it was a wonder she trusted him at all. From the time she was four he'd been sprouting off crock pot stories about crashing clouds and cows with accents and... well, anything under the sun really.

"I promise, Pei-Pei. I'll be absolutely serious." He held up a hand and placed the other over his heart. "I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth." With a short nod of approval from the girl he began to scrutinize the notes written on her scrap paper. "Er, honey, you seem to missing a few details."

Absently, as she began to now swipe purple an blue over the page in front of her, she asked, "What is it?"

"You forgot wheeled elephants. The last of which was shot in 1921."

Peigi stopped her actions at once, turning a glare so putrid on her father that he cringed and muttered, "I'll go see what your brother's up to then..." and left her to her own devices.

000ooo000

**LIES #100 &101**

Ranger found Emmet in the living room watching King Kong with his face mere inches from the television. He took a seat on the couch, relishing in the comfort it afforded in his tired body.

"Your eyes'll go square if you watch TV too long, Em," Ranger informed him. "Especially if you sit that close to the set."

Emmet nodded and reluctantly shuffled back to lean against the front of the couch. "What kind of security does the Empire State Building have, Dad?"

"Nothing like Rangeman provides, son. Kong would never have made it to the top if Rangeman was securing the building." After a moment of thought he added, "Actually in 1939 they installed ape proofing fences. Over 50 repeat incidents have been prevented."

"Cool," was the only reply that the boy uttered before they both fell into silence, utterly absorbed in the movie.

000ooo000

_All reviews welcome._


	24. Experimentation Sensation

_There is nothing that I can say here that hasn't already been said too many times before, so hopefully my lies can speak for themselves. As always I give my thanks to Andy Riley, author of "Great Lies to tell Small Kids", "Loads more Lies to tell Small Kids", and "Bunny Suicides" without whom this compilation of short tales would not be possible._

**LIE #102**

Emmet sat on the porch in the early morning sun when Steph stumbled downstairs to organise lunches for her children. Standing at the storm door she saw her son had a coffee mug filled with – she sniffed. "Bovril?"

His curly topped head snapped with a grin to look at his mother. "Morning Mummy!" he exclaimed, moving the mug a few inches to the left to better catch the sunlight.

"What are you doing up so early, Em?" Stephanie asked the boy.

"Helping Peigi with her science experiment." His little grin grew wider with self pride.

"What experiment is that?" she asked warily, unable to recall her daughter mentioning any experiment.

"I have to work out what type of sunlight will make a brown rainbow in the steam over a mug of Bovril." Again, he moved the mug.

At that moment, Ranger ambled up the garden path, still sweating from his morning run. "Hey squirt! Any luck yet?" Emmet shook his head. "Maybe you need to concentrate the rays, I'll go find my magnifying glass and we'll see if that does anything."

As he passed into the front hall he was confronted by his wife. "What, pray tell, is going on?"

Ranger simply shrugged. "I'm just helping him out."

"You realise Peigi put him up to this, don't you?"

Another shrug. "At least he's not jumping off tall structures trying to fly."

He had her there. While it wasn't a good thing that Peigi was lying to her younger brother, it _was _keeping him out of trouble. How much damage could a seven year old with a mug of Bovril do? On second thoughts, don't answer that.

000ooo000

**LIE #103**

Lester was just exiting the break room as Peigi and Emmet entered. He'd been investigating alternate applications of a urinal cake in an attempt to come up with a new product to sell online. Taking a long, hard look at the troublesome pair, he pointed to the saucepan where he was attempting t melt down one of the cakes. "Don't either of you even think about touching the contents of that pot."

On cue, both sets of eyes turned to stare at the pot. Wonder filled their gazes and they didn't hesitate to investigate it's contents.

"It looks like one of those things that they put in the urinals in the bathroom!" Emmet exclaimed.

Peigi tentatively wafted the scent toward her nose. "I think that's exactly what it is," she commented, giving a short shudder.

"Why's it in here?"

Shrugging, Peigi moved to the refrigerator to grab the bottle of water she'd come for. As an afterthought she picked up a half container of carrot sticks before her homework. This left Emmet alone and curious, with a melting urinal cake.

The next person to enter the room was Tank, in pursuit of his usual afternoon snack. Staring at the contents of the fridge he began to tense in frustration. "Emmet," he gritted out. "Did you see who took my carrot sticks?"

"Peigi did. Why is Uncle Lester cooking the thing from the urinals?"

Some of hs frustration dissipated as he was overcome by confusion, mixed in equal parts with curiosity. "What?" He moved to look into the saucepan Emmet was still peering into. "What is that?"

"The thingy from the urinal. Why's Uncle Lester trying to cook it?" he repeated.

"Urinal cake on toast. It's his favourite snack. You should try it."

000ooo000

**LIE #104**

Ranger sat in his office at Rangeman, finishing up some paper work. He looked up just in time to see Emmet pass his open door, trailing a cat carrier complete with cat, and the fan from one of the interrogation chambers behind him on his wagon.

"What are you up to, Squirt?" called to his son's retreating back.

"Nothing," came the hasty reply.

This launched Ranger into action, following swiftly and cutting him off at the elevator. "I've known you long enough to know that it is never nothing with you," Ranger told the boy.

"How long's that?" Emmet asked innocently.

"Your entire life."

"How long's that?" he repeated, buying himself some time to formulate a plausible lie.

"Seven years." Ranger narrowed his eyes. "Now 'fess up,"

"Ella asked me to take the cat Mummy saved down to the lobby so it can stretch it's legs and Uncle Bobby wants me to take the fan down to the basement to be fixed.

He would have gotten away with that, had Ranger not already known that all the fans were in perfect working order, having just been serviced the week before.

"Nice tale," he said, knowing that he got the ability from his mother. "Now how about the truth this time?"

"I'm going down to the gym to test Jake's theory."

"And what would that be?"

"He told me that cats can't walk into the wind."

Ranger shook his head in disbelief, and, against his better judgement, allowed Emmet to carry out his experiment. It was just as Steph said, he'll learn better if he discovers things for himself.

000ooo000


End file.
